Our Diary
est. 2024
A Conversation With...
Zoe bicknell (@zoe.bicknell)
I had the privilege of chatting with Zoe about her struggles with mental health, beginning her healing journey, navigating relapse, and learning that recovery is rarely a straight path. From changing her perspective on progress to finding hope in the person she is becoming, Zoe shares what it means to keep moving forward even when change feels impossible.
If you or someone you know is struggling, support is available. Zoe recommends the I Am Sober app, which offers tools for tracking progress, daily reflections, pledges, and community support. She also recommends Kids Help Phone, which offers confidential support by phone at 1-800-668-6868 or by texting CONNECT to 686868. Links to additional resources are found at the bottom of this interview.
Talent: Zoe Bicknell
Interview & Photography: Kai Oszlai
%20(1).png)
KO: When did you first realise there was a cycle in your life that you didn't want to continue? Was there a specific moment that made you think, "Something has to change"?
ZB: It was back in grade 10, when I was 14 / 15. School was terrible, I had terrible anxiety and depression. I felt like I couldn’t do anything, I felt alone. I don’t remember any specific time I decided something had to change, it probably was a couple months after I started to self-harm. I think I was just tired of feeling the way I was. So I finally got the courage to tell my parents everything and start going to therapy.
KO: What did breaking that cycle actually look like in the beginning?
ZB: It was rough in the beginning. I couldn’t stay clean for long and the whole process of breaking the cycle felt impossible, I truly believed back then that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it. Yet every week, my therapist, Jenna, would cheer me on and get me back on my feet, which gave me a lot of hope.
.png)
.png)
KO: What's something people often misunderstand about healing from trauma or unhealthy habits?
ZB: I feel like a lot of people know about the whole ‘healing isn’t linear/a straight path’, yet I don’t think people understand. At this point I am a year and nine months clean, but I know that there could be a point where I relapse again even though I'm at such a good point in my life right now. I remember when I relapsed back in October last year and some people were shocked, asking why it happened and how they thought I was okay, only because the streak I had going was so long. No matter how long you go for, there could be a day where you relapse, it sucks, but you have to prepare yourself for it. Last year I was not prepared for it and I blamed myself for weeks, yet I realized later that this could happen, and all I could do was pick myself up and start again.
.png)
KO: What's been the hardest habit, mindset, or belief about yourself to unlearn?
ZB: Good question, I think the hardest mindset I had to unlearn was that I wasn’t going to make it out of the deep end. Even with the support from my therapist and everyone else in my life, I still felt like it would last forever. I think that kept me longer in the deep end because that mindset I was in made me not try as hard to get out of it.
KO: How has your relationship with yourself changed throughout this process?
ZB: My relationship with myself changed with the ups and downs I had throughout this cycle. Even without a cycle you’re trying to get out of, I think that’s how everyone is. The ups and downs control how you feel about yourself, for example, right now I’m definitely at a peak, where I feel great. Yet when I was back in grade 10, my thoughts about myself were definitely not what I think now.
.png)
.png)
KO: Do you believe in forgiveness? Second chances? Anything of that nature? And if so, does that play a role in your healing?
ZB: Yes I do believe in that! I don’t think it really plays any role in MY healing, but I think it really depends on what you’re healing from. With my self-harm healing journey, it’s more about focusing on me and making sure I’m okay. Forgiving others or giving others second chances doesn’t really play a role in that for me. :)
KO: Let’s talk about change, now. Have you ever felt guilty about changing? What do you think about growing apart from people?
ZB: Oh absolutely not, I am so happy I’ve changed. I feel really good at where I’m at and how I am right now, younger me would be happy, and that's all I care about. Growing apart from people is normal, it can be sad depending on who it was in your life but I think it can be a good thing. One of my oldest friends, she and I have grown very apart from each other. We talk maybe once a year, and when we do talk it's a great catch up. I do miss her a lot, but it's normal and I’m happy she's off doing her own thing. [Name ommitted for privacy]
KO: What does progress look like for you now compared to what you thought it would look like?
ZB: Wow great question! I don’t believe I have a view of progress right now.. I don’t think I’ve ever truly thought about that in a while because of how well I’ve been doing recently. In the past though, progress to me looked like trying my best to get through each month, and taking care of myself so I wouldn’t relapse.
KO: Looking back, what would you say to the version of yourself who believed change wasn't possible/was struggling?
ZB: That even though it’s hard to believe, you will get through it and you will get better. Everything will be okay. Might be cheesy but I knew that's exactly what I wanted to hear back then.
KO: Is there someone or a specific community that has been helping you break these patterns? Any resources you think people would benefit from?
ZB: YES!! I use this app called ‘I Am Sober’. It tracks the amount of days I have been clean, I can review my day, make a pledge, add reasons on why I’m doing this, talk to others and more!! It has truly made a difference in my journey! I have also used the Kids Help Phone, you can text and call. They are amazing, a little bit of a wait sometimes… but they have gotten me out of a lot. You can call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868.
